#WednesdayWords – Holiday Conversations
Holiday Conversations – Be Aware of What Lies Ahead
The holiday season is upon us and many of us in the US will be gathering next week with families and friends for Thanksgiving and other celebrations.
These gatherings are supposed to be a time to get together and enjoy each other’s company, have great food and conversations, and a good time. Alas, not so for everyone – even with families who generally get along well, sometimes one person brings up a topic that touches a nerve and before you know it the conversation has turned into bad situation, perhaps with yelling and crying.
Many of my clients have often shared that they are in a situation that they really need to see their family, but don’t want to deal with the “dysfunctional stuff” that usually happens. It is challenging because we tend to get into conversational habits with people – use a certain tone of voice when speaking to a particular person, have a negative reaction every time your brother repeats “that” story, and so forth.
I would encourage you to just pay attention to your own conversations with others – how do you talk with them, they with you? Become aware of your conversational habit and then make note when it might be best for you to shift it to a more positive approach. Such as, when your brother tells “that” story that you hate and he’s been telling it for years and years, take a deep breath, try to look at the situation from a different perspective and then the more appropriate response might be to laugh at yourself / the story.
Another way of handling that situation is to set a boundary – take your brother aside and tell him you really don’t want him to tell that story again, that you really feel demeaned or humiliated (always in private, never in public). Hopefully he will respect your wishes, but be aware, he might not like your request. At that point, you will need to make a decision – is it a minor thing that you can laugh about / overlook or makes you want to crawl under the house and not be seen for the rest of the day? If it is the latter, then know that you will need to set a consequence – meaning what action you will take if he continues anyway – leave the room, go outside or even leave the gathering.
When setting a boundary, always make it about your feelings not what they did to cause the situation; use “I” messaging. Taking the example above you might say, “I feel demeaned / humiliated when you share that story, I am requesting that you not share it anymore.”
Once you set the boundary, if the person does not honor it and then does the action again, you have a choice – that’s when you create your next action step – see examples above: leave the room, go outside for a deep breath and clarity, leave the gathering or the action you choose might be different.
Make a point this year to be aware of things you say and do year after year that may be negative and determine how you might change that so that you and others can experience more joy during your holidays!
Here’s wishing you a joyful holiday season!
Margaret
P.S. If you need some help preparing for these situations, please reach out and connect, we will schedule a conversation.
2018© Margaret Martin