Changing Conversational Habits
As our holidays are fast approaching and various family gatherings will be happening, many of us will be approaching these events with dread. Why dread? Holiday gatherings can be triggers for feelings of resentment and blame from previous life events.
We humans are a curious sort, we have various experiences that are negative, we hold on to those feelings around the experiences for dear life and as years pass, the resentment builds while no healing or resolution is attempted Why?
The why is a good question and the answer that pops into my mind is – pride. Being the first one to take a look at what happened and apologize, you give up your stubbornness and there you are – vulnerable – exposed – and possibly open to attack.
Being vulnerable is okay, it takes courage. As Breneʹ Brown says in Braving the Wilderness, “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, joy, trust, intimacy, courage – everything that brings meaning to our life.
The definition of vulnerability is uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure . . . it is not weakness.”
If you can approach these difficult conversations with courage, step back with perspective trying to see a situation from the other person’s point of view, a whole new world might be waiting for you.
Each one of us has our own memory of a situation which may or may not be distorted to the real event, it is our perspective – the other family members have their perspective too, and the realization is that everyone is right. What! Everyone is right? Yes. You see each person is a different age, were in a different situation when the event happened so their memory of the event will be different, not wrong.
When we can courageously step back and look at events with perspective of openness and possibility, we get a different picture of the situation.
Another possible challenge in holiday gatherings is what I call “conversational habits.”
You may use a particular tone of voice with certain people which can come from resentments, feeling victimized, feeling “better than,” using condescending tones, or other feelings – it’s a big open field of possible conversational habits.
Some will be the victim, some will be the martyr or the hero or the favorite – and then there is you – which will you be?
Give some thought to not taking on any previous role you might have played and be an observer, be open to conversations without old negative feelings of the past – that’s a whole lot of baggage to drag around which is probably wearing you out. Be open to really listening to those around you.
What about the possibility that the gathering will be fun, you will be fun? You will bring laughter and stories of fun events, and set boundaries so that you don’t engage in anyone else’s negativity. You will be responsible for YOU.
You are responsible for your feelings, emotions, thoughts and the words that you say to others. Own it, let others off the hook. A favorite affirmation from my friend, Lauren McLaughlin – author of “Spiritual Tools” is: “I AM who I AM and I allow others to be who they are.”
Life will be better for it. Forgive yourself, know that you and others were doing the best that you could when the “thing” happened. Now you are aware, once you are aware, you can no longer be unaware.
Wishing you a really good holiday season!
