The Questions I Wish I Had Asked . . .
Trust me; you will want to read this!
I don’t often tell people they need to read my work, but this time I think you will want to.
We’ve just passed Mother’s Day and Father’s Day honoring and remembering our parents living or not. Each year when these days roll around I spend time remembering and honoring my Mother – not “Mom” but Mother or Mama and Daddy – not “Dad” or “Father” – Daddy!
My Mother died when I was at the young age of 22, newly married, working and wondering what life was about. She died somewhat unexpectedly, yet I knew it could happen at any time as she had experienced so many strokes. She was a young woman who died at 54!
I was in my 30’s when my Daddy died, one year after the birth of my second child. I was wrapped up in trying to be a good wife and mother, providing support to my husband to help him advance in his career. Yes, I called my Daddy, visited with him and his new wife (somewhat challenging) and he came to visit too.
There are so many questions I never thought to ask . . .
“Tell me again how you met?” “What attracted you to each other?” “What did you dream of being or doing?” “What happened that changed your dreams?” “What do you love most about your life?” “What are / were your biggest challenges?” “What was it like when you became a wife / husband?” “What was it like deciding to buy the farm Mother grew up on?” “How in the world did you make the decision to sell the farm and move to Perry – where I knew no one (at age 8 and Daddy was employed at the paper mill then owned by P&G)?”
To Mama – “It must have been sooooo very hard to move away from your family and friends – how did you manage it?” “What were your fears in life?” “What do you consider your successes?” – – – – You were an awesome seamstress, gardener, cook, and mother (even though I had no idea at the time). You always put me and my sister, Helen, first, always there for us – chaperoned numerous band trips, trekked me to / fro band practice for years. Until I had my own children didn’t realize how organized you had to be to take care of the house, manage your volunteer work at the hospital, garden, laundry (no dryer) and ironing, your customers who requested your seamstress talents and probably more stuff than I can even imagine.
It must have been so scary when you experienced your strokes, I know I was scared. I had to learn how to cook for me and Daddy while you were in the hospital, go to school and pray that you would be okay. I never asked you what that was like. I didn’t even think of asking
I have no idea what your voice sounded like, that memory is gone! But I do have some of your letters and your recipes – so I can see your handwriting!
I did learn to make peach cobbler like you by visualizing me in the kitchen with you talking while you made them. I have no idea what we talked about – but I can still see you pealing and slicing those peaches and rolling out the dough. I miss you Mama!
To Daddy – “Why didn’t you tell me you played the violin and yet you never played it for us? (at least I never remember it)” “You never told me that you were offered a football scholarship and turned it down – where and why?” “It must have been really hard for you and Mother to sell the farm and move so far away (TN to FL in the mid 50’s) from our family – please tell me about that.”
I’m told you had a great sense of humor, but sadly I don’t remember it very well. It must have been so scary for you when Mother had her strokes and was hospitalized so far away from home and we could only visit her on the weekends – she was in Gainesville and Jacksonville different times. You must have felt so alone, yet you had to take care of the family too. You tolerated me learning to cook as a teenager – Helen was already in college – lots of awful coffee, overcooked and undercooked food and yet, you never once complained.
It must have been so hard to live without Mama – – – and then P&G had compulsory retirement and you HAD to retire at 65 when at that point, work was your life. That was where your friends were – there was no helping people figure out what they were going to do after they retire, just a “I thank you for all your years and good luck!”
I wish I had not been so self-absorbed in my own life – yes, like many of you reading this, you get busy being a wife / mother / employee or husband / father / employee that you think your parents will be around a long time and that you will have time to ask those questions . . . they won’t!
You think you have plenty of time – you don’t! Ask those questions over and over again, get them and their voices on video – oh my goodness, what I would give to have had an iPhone / YouTube back then (but I probably wouldn’t have used it thinking I have plenty of time – – – you don’t!)
Hopefully if your mother and father are still living they will live long and healthy lives, some will – some will, some will not. Several of my friends have suggested to me that I not destroy my journals because they may hold answers that my children never thought to ask – I hope they are ready for some interesting reading upon occasion! <grin>
You may not have the best relationship with your parents and asking some of these questions may help you better understand the challenges they have dealt with in their lives and the reasoning behind some of their choices!
Don’t wait until it’s too late! Make plans soon to talk with your mom and your dad. You can record your conversations via various video conferencing – just do it!
The questions I wish I had thought to ask . . . what are yours?
An opening of my heart and soul . . .
– Margaret Martin © 2017